49 of The Best Tweets About Decorating For The Holidays

Hopefully everyone made it through Thanksgiving. If you're still alive, Congratulations, your reward is attempting to make it through Christmas Season. What's that, you're not tired of Christmas music yet? Don't worry, there's still all the gingerbread, peppermint, decorating and last minute shopping at crowded stores to deal with. 

Decorating your home for the holiday season is far from simple feat, particularly when you have children's expectations to contend with. Here are 50 funny tweets from parents (and a few non-parents) who were there to decorate for Christmas.

Christmas decorating 101 - Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations

Your move Martha Stewart

— 🎄EnvyDaTropic™🎄 (@envydatropic) November 4, 2014

The prettier the Christmas lights on the outside, the more dysfunctional the family on the inside.

— 〰 Just Linda 〰 (@LindaInDisguise) December 17, 2013

I'm sorry that I ran over all of your inflatable Christmas decorations.

— Sara (@sara_ashlynn) December 3, 2014

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) November 25, 2017

Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 28, 2015

Me: it’s too early for Christmas music and decorations!
Friend: its after Thanksgiving.
Me: pic.twitter.com/2B5lH0IgBM

— Abbi Thanksgiving Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) November 28, 2018

A computer the size of a city block can now fit in your pocket yet a whole strand of Christmas lights still goes dark when 1 bulb burns out.

— 〰 Just Linda 〰 (@LindaInDisguise) December 6, 2015

My kids: Can we decorate for Christmas now?!
Me: Sure. [puts Santa hat on pumpkin]

— A Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) November 29, 2019

Half of this strand of Christmas lights doesn’t work so I’m just going to ball it back up and toss it in the bin so it can piss me off again next year.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 25, 2017

Here’s a little song I wrote about putting up outdoor Christmas decorations it’s called “Fuck You Fucking Christmas Lights You Fucking Fucks” and a one and a two

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 1, 2018

I chuckled this morning as I named the front door Christmas decoration, "Keith the Wreath." My daughter just looked at me like I'm an idiot.

— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) December 20, 2013

I liked Christmas lights a lot more when I wasn't involved in putting them up.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) December 4, 2015

*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings

— deck the halls w kimmymonte ❄️ (@KimmyMonte) November 26, 2017

Multi-colored lights are the Crocs of Christmas lights.

— Frank Lowe (@GayAtHomeDad) November 29, 2013

We let the 11yo pick the decorations... be honest, does this look like Christmas or the ectoplasm from Ghostbusters? pic.twitter.com/zzPvfX2pUr

— feisty reindeer ☃️🎄 (@MommaUnfiltered) December 1, 2019

Me: "I need your muscles."
Him (sexily): "Mmm... for what?"
Me: "Bringing up the Christmas decorations."

— Sarah del Rio (@sarahdelri0) November 30, 2014

I get it black people. I'm scared of the white folks that decorate their front lawn with ginormous Christmas decorations too.

— 🎄EnvyDaTropic™🎄 (@envydatropic) November 20, 2014

For every hundred Christmas lights you staple to your house, an angel loses its will to live.

— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) December 11, 2011

It's that lovely, peaceful time of year when my husband spends all his time alone in the garage detangling the Christmas lights.

— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) November 27, 2016

My husband just brought in 8 boxes of shiny, jingly, Christmas decorations and left me to decorate with three kids so he could do non-time-sensitive pool maintenance.

If he survives it will be a Christmas miracle.

— The Salty Mamas (@saltymamas) December 8, 2018

Getting so many great bargains on holiday decorations I won't remember I bought next Christmas.

— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) December 27, 2015

Buying the love of my children one inflatable Christmas lawn decoration at a time.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 29, 2015

*silently judges your Christmas tree decorations*

— snowjob ☃️ (@canadasandra) December 17, 2013

Untangling my headphone cord all year is good training for Christmas lights.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) December 4, 2017

I'm just gonna say it. Every year when I see no snow states decorate with snowmen for the holidays I roll my eyes.

— The Next Martha (@TheNextMartha) November 24, 2015

8-year-old: Why didn't you put up any Christmas lights outside?

Me: We don't have any outlets out there.

8: Why not?

Me: Because I'm smart.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 18, 2018

Ever drive by your neighbor's holiday display & ask "were you drunk while decorating?"

No? Just me?

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) December 8, 2015

The adult version of Tetris is trying to fit all your Christmas decorations back in the boxes they came out of.

— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) December 30, 2017

Wife: thank you for not going crazy with the Christmas decorations this year.

Me: no problem.

Wife: wait-where’s the baby?

Me: manger.

Wife: where?

Me: manger.

— Oops!...I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) December 9, 2018

"Be more careful!" I yell to my kids, as I dangle from the roof putting up Christmas lights.

— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) November 25, 2017

Hey, let's drive around & look at Christmas lights so that the kids can whine about not wanting to drive around & look at Christmas lights.

— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) December 17, 2017

If yours' is the house on the street with the most Christmas decorations, you better goddamn have full-size candy bars on Halloween

— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) December 23, 2014

The main difference between men and women is women can remember the backstory for every Christmas decoration and I want to watch football.

— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) December 6, 2015

Today is the day we put up the Christmas lights, also known as “Swear Day.”

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 24, 2017

'no leave me alone I'm already pissed!'

'omg! Seriously wtf!'

'i hate every single thing around me'

'shit! Dammit!!!'

- my wife in the Christmas mood hanging Garland decorations

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) November 30, 2019

My kids want to help me put Christmas lights outside which is good because I wanted it to take 3 more hours.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 28, 2014

Weird, my neighbor is putting up his Christmas lights while at the same time, I am taking down my Christmas lights from last year.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) November 4, 2017

Kids are like realtors when Christmas lights are up around the neighborhood. They just want you to keep driving around and looking at houses

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) December 19, 2016

I may only be married once, I may get married 5 times. But at least one of my marriages is going to end because of Christmas decorations.

— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) December 14, 2015

Take advantage of your neighbors' holiday decorating feud by letting one of them decorate your place too

— Megalicious (@meghaffer) November 7, 2019

Decorating for Christmas with the kids is magical. I sip the whiskey I hid in the attic while they wait for me to find the decorations.

— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) December 11, 2011

Billion dollar idea: holiday decorations that dissolve after 6 days.

— Jenni Konner (@JenniKonner) November 2, 2012

Going to the storage unit to get the Christmas decorations.

Pretty sure they're buried behind a mountain of debris we keep "just in case."

— Steve Olivas (@steveolivas) November 26, 2016

And suddenly the neighbors who left their Christmas lights up all year seem like geniuses.

— Sammy Rhodes (@sammyrhodes) November 27, 2014

Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?

Me: He put up Christmas lights before Thanksgiving.

Judge: Not guilty.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 20, 2014

The amount of time and energy we spend putting up and taking down holiday decorations tells me our 'top of the food chain' claim is invalid.

— 〰 Just Linda 〰 (@LindaInDisguise) December 14, 2013

Kids and holiday decorating go together like puppies and twisters.

— The UnFitzable Alex Nevil (@TheAlexNevil) December 2, 2015

On a scale of 1-10 broken holiday decorations, how is your holiday season going? Mine's a 4, but the season is still young.

— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) December 17, 2018

Now we are going to string Christmas lights which means tonight is the worst night of the year.

— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) December 8, 2013

Mentioned that I upgraded to LED Christmas lights in front of a bunch of rival dads. No big deal.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 19, 2019

And For When You're Sick of It All...

Ultimate Secret Santa / Yankee Swap / White Elephant Christmas Gift List

It's that time of year again where offices and families around the world swap Christmas Gifts. Whether you pick a specific gift for a person, or you pick a random gift and then you're allowed to keep it or steal someone else's gift, it's a big PITA to try find a gift under $20 or $30...

Fear no longer, just pick a gift from this list and you'll leave everyone satisfied (TWSS)...Just don't be like a certain Regional Manger from a midsize paper company and buy and iPod for the Temp who you want to be best friends with and then get mad when you only get a homemade oven mitt.

1. Light Saber Chopsticks

 

2.Cookie Pocket Mug

3. Holiday S'mores Mug Gift Set

4. Leather Beer Holster

5. 14 in 1 Multi-tool / Camping / Car / Survival Kit

6. Coffee Mug Warmer

 

7. Shower Caddy For Wine Glass or Beer Can

8. Beer Soap

9. Wine Soap

10. WiFi Smart Outlet

11.GoT Themed Beer Mug

12. Ultimate Oreo Dunking Set

13.Wine Bottle Hidden Umbrella

14. Foot Spa

15. Teapot

16. Oven Mitts

17. Whiskey Stones Gift Set

18. Wine Cork Shadow Box

 

19. Bonsai Tree

20. iPod

21. Cards Against Humanity

22. Decorative Fire Pit Skulls

23. Desktop Bowling

24. Wireless Bluetooth Speaker

25. Echo Dot w/ ALEXA

26. Jerky Sticks

27. Portable Battery Charger

28. Minimalist Wallet

A Man Stormed Into Jimmy Johns Because They Wrote "BITCH" On His Wife's Sub, But It Turns Out She Just Ordered A BLT With Cheese

Daily Mail - "Robert Wilson Barnes, of Greenville, couldn't believe his eyes when he spotted the five letters after leaving a drive-thru and thought it was an offensive insult.

In a Facebook post he wrote 'Are you freakin' serious?' and went onto explain the lead-up to his complaint over wife Colleen O'Reilly Barnes' order.  

'My wife took her sandwich out of the bag and we see THIS! Seriously? Oh, not today, not today!' he posted.

 Barnes stormed back into Jimmy John's fast food restaurant to demand to speak to the manager and for an explanation from the 'confused' looking server.

'I pointed at the writing on the sandwich and demanded that he tells me why someone felt the need to write it on my wife’s sandwich,' Barnes wrote.

But little did he know, instead of spelling 'b***h,' as he previously thought, it was actually an abbreviation for the sandwich's ingredients - bacon, lettuce and tomato with cheese. 

The man told him: ''Because you ordered a BLT with cheese?' To which I replied, '...Oh.''"

There is no way that the Jimmy John's employee didn't know exactly what he was doing. It's probably a standard prank the play and they wait around all day for someone to order a BLT with cheese. And for all we know, they heard this guy's wife yelling in the car at him and was only telling the truth. Probably not but regardless, the only bitch in this story is the guy who goes into Jimmy Johns to yell at some poor employee making minimum wage.


"Anyone that has worked in the fast food industry knows that employees will go through great lengths to covertly insult a rude customer, with plausible deniability. Or even just to mess with them. Starbucks loves doing that shit."
-Barstool

 

18 Clever Ways to Disguise a Dent in Your Car

Body work can get expensive. Insurance is expensive. Deductibles are high. If your repair is going to cost more than your car is worth, you get creative. 

1. Make A Detailed Map

2. That's Where Thor's Hammer Went...

3. One Way To Deal With A Scratch

4. Crack Your Bumper Open Only to Find Out It's Occupied

5. Bad Kitty

 6. Mailbox 1, Honda 0

7. Batman Have Been Involved

8 & 9. HULK SMASH!

10. Apply A Little Turtle Wax...

11.  Just Stitch It Up With Colorful Zip Ties

12.  Nothing Stops Chuck Norris

13. Must Be An Import From Isla Neblar 

14. His Daughter Put A Band-aid On Everyday Until It Was Fixed

15. Blame The Wife

 16. One way to deal with it

17. A bandaid will fix it

18. Just So Everyone Knows You're Not a Bad Driver