"Gather round boy and girls because its time for the story of my cheating ex-wife and how I fucked her. Now bare with me as this is a bit of a long one but fuck it. So I had a feeling she was cheating as she set off a lot of red flags. Constantly laughing and smiling when texting, saying it was just her mother when I asked. Needing to stay late every night after work. When I’d call in her co-workers said she left hours ago. When I asked her what was going on she’d laugh it off and say it was just something they did to each other at the office all the time.
The last straw to where I knew something was definitely up was when she went out “to get milk” at 11:30 at night and didn’t come back till 2 in the morning. Now if there is any words of wisdom I can pass on to others in all my years of experience, its if you think your significant other is cheating, hire a fucking private investigator. They’re goddamn good at what they do and they will get some evidence that really helps in the later divorce.
Fast track to her birthday, several months down the road. Now I know what you’re thinking, why the hell did I wait months before I confronted her and did it really need to be on her birthday? The answer to the first question is I wanted as much evidence as possible to hand off to my lawyer as well as make arrangements to find a new place to live, etc. Answer to your second question is of course it had to be on her birthday. You see after asking her what she wanted to do on her birthday this year she was rather insisted on me going out of town with my friends as she just had to work anyways and didn’t want to be reminded she was ageing.
So I know something is up and after finding a bottle of champagne and two glasses hidden in my closest something in my snaps. So I do what any sensible man would have done. I leave and go to my friends house pretending like I am going out of town. While there I call up her mother, father, sister and several of her friends. I tell them how I want to give her a big surprise by sneaking into her room with party streamers, kazoos and a big cake with candles. Sounds fun right?! Well boy was it.
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Its 8:30 in the morning and I have everyone met just outside our apartment. We all pile in the elevator (about 8 of us in total), her mother holding the cake and me reminding everyone to be as quiet as they can be. My put my key in and unlock the door, we all sneak in and make our way down the hall towards the bedroom. Each hold a kazoo and Mom holding the cake grinning from ear to ear.
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Well as I throw open the door and we all yell surprise. But the surprise was on us and there was my wife, bent over in doggy style position with her lover staring at us wide eyed mid thrust. Mom drops the cake, sister screams, father begins to shout. I pretend like I’m horrified to which her friends try to push everyone out while yelling at her. Wife, excuse me, ex-wife is sobbing and screaming how could I while the lover is desperately trying to put his pants on while running out of the place. Needless to say, it was one of the best birthday presents I have ever given.
tl;dr: Gave ex-wife a kick ass birthday present.
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